Gilbert and Elizaveta's No Kiss List
by Double0Ninja1
Summary: Elizaveta lived next door to him her entire life. They were the best of friends, and as close as ever. Nothing seemed to be able to tear them apart... Or so she thought. Based on the book Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List
1. Crimson Eyes Over The Fence

I've lived next door from him my entire life. Of course, the day we first met was my favorite memory between the two of us. It's really silly, now that I think more about it, but at the time it happened it was the most outrageous day of my life. It was a really long time ago- We were both five years old at the time. It was late summer in New York, the place we've both called home ever since our families moved here from Germany and Hungary in, what, the early twenties? Why they decided to move here of all places, I have no idea, considering that it's dirty and disgusting and just overall a bad place to start a new life. But anyway, I'm getting off topic here. Our friendship all started back when a little albino boy and his family had moved in next door.

His name was Gilbert, and yes, he was albino. Gilbert and his family was definitely different than all the other ones on our block, considering he had two moms. It totally explains Gil's behavior, but we'll get to that later. I just remember walking outside one day to swing in my tire swing, and looking to my left, and seeing a pair of red crimson eyes peering over the fence at me. It was a boy- I could tell by the patch of bright white hair on his head. This yellow bird had chirped at him and sat on his head, as if it were talking to him, but he shooed it away. My father warned me about boys looking over the fence at me, so of course I screamed, which totally freaked him out. He started flailing his arms, telling me to stop, and ended up falling off of it and into my yard.

Mind you, I was five, and seeing red eyes staring at you from behind a wooden fence is creepy as fuck. It even sounds creepy. So don't judge what happens next.

I grabbed the nearest object, (which happened to be a gardening hoe) lifted it over my head, and poised it, ready to use it against him if I had to.

"What were you doing staring at me, you creep?!" I yelled at the stranger.

He raised his hands up in defense. "Th-this is no way to greet new neighbors! What the heck is wrong with you, man?!"

My parents both wanted a son, so they treated me like a boy. I had this "boyish" haircut, my room was painted blue, I had "boy" outfits laid out and set for me to wear in the mornings. It confused the hell out of me. For the longest time I thought I was male, when really, I was female. It wasn't until after I met Gil that I realized I was female. Honestly, I was very disappointed. I thought that my penis would just "grow in" one day, and that it'll just get bigger when I got older. But you know. I got used to it. Except when puberty started to hit.. That was awful.. But let's get back to our story.

"What the heck is wrong with me? What the heck is wrong with you?! Your creepy red eyes were staring at me from behind a fence- Who does that?!"

"Well, gosh, excuse me, I'm this thing called albino and curious!" he retorted. "Put the shovel down!"

"For your information, this is a gardening hoe."

"For your information, I don't care- Get off!"

"First things first," I got a little closer to his face, which made him blush slightly. "State your business: Why were you staring at me?"

"Woah- Wait-" He squinted his eyes at me, and stared for a really long time in silence. The bird from earlier had flew over and tried to sit on my head, but I waved him off. Instead, he settled on my foot, which had been placed on the boy's stomach. "Are you a chick?" he asked, half intrigued, half disappointed.

Of course, being the child of confusion at the time, my face flushed. "N-no! I'm a boy!" I huffed, obviously offended. "State your business!"

"No no no- There is no way you're a boy. Your eyes are too big.. What's your name?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that? You're in my yard." I retorted.

"Fine." He whined. "My name is Gilbert, now what's yours?"

I blushed a bit, and bit my lip. I knew for a fact he was going to make fun of my name, everyone else does. What made him any different. So, hesitantly, I told him. "E-Elizabeta."

"That's a girl name."

"No it's not! I'm not a girl!"

Then, he opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something, then quickly closed it and shook his head. His eyes quickly closed, and his face turned bright red, which was a hilarious sight due to the fact that his skin was so pale. It made me laugh a little, but then I was curious. What was he thinking about? What made him turn so red?

"Why are you so red?" I asked him, my face inches from his.

"Be-because I was thinking of something.." He muttered, turning his face away.

"Like what?"

There was a silence between us.

"Liz.. Do you... Have a penis?"

This totally caught me off guard, as it would with any five year old being asked if they had a penis. I immediately removed my foot from his stomach and practically backed up a whole meter. I raised my gardening hoe over my head aimed it directly at him then, as if I were to throw it. "Take back your question or get a black eye!"

Of course, this made him quiver even more. "I didn't mean anything by it! Buh-buh-besides…." He smirked then, boldness kicking in suddenly. "If you were a boy, you would have answered right away, right? And not get all mean and nasty?"

I threw my hoe at him then. It hit him in his eye. 


	2. Frenemies

Eventually, my mom found out that I hit Gilbert with the gardening hoe, considering he squealed on me to his moms. Gilbert and I later called them "Mama M," and "Mama F, " but during this time he just called them "Mama" and "Mütter", and I called them "Lady With the Blonde Hair," and "Lady With the Orange Hair." The lady with the orange hair was always the nicest. She always wore her hair in this long ponytail, and baked cookies during her spare time. She spoke softly, and kindly, and was always super energetic. She made the most amazing food and even helped me out during my many years of gender confusion. She was, and still is, my favorite out of Gilbert's moms.

The lady with the blonde hair however was much more strict. She was German, which meant she spoke a lot more harshly. Of course she didn't mean to, it was just the way she talked. Even when she was happy, her voice was loud and sharp. As a kid, it scared the hell out of me. And if you think that's bad, you don't even want to hear her when she got mad. Gilbert would tell me it was if the entire earth was shaking whenever she got mad.

My mother invited them over for dinner as a way of apologizing. It was a pretty big deal because we never invited anyone over. Ever. So she forced me into the shower, dressed me up in one of my best shirts and pants, and even made me comb my hair. That in itself meant that these lesbians were going to make a big first impression on us, and anya (that's what I call her) wanted it to be a good one.

They arrived at around six, but we were ready by four. So I had two hours of doing absolutely nothing and dreading every minute of it. I decided to spend this time coloring and reading my books. Anya came in to check on me.

"Are you ready to play with your new friend, Veta?" she asked softly.

"He is _not_ , my friend." I replied with a huff.

"Why not?" she began coming over to me then, and sat next to me on my bed. I turned from her. "Also," her voice grew both concerned and questioning, "you hit him with my gardening tool?"

I huffed and turned further away from her, blushing a bit. "He… He asked me if I had a penis.."

My mother's jaw dropped after I said that. She looked towards the door for a second, then back at me. "He did _what?!_ "

I started crying and clung to her tightly, burying my face into her bosom. "He thinks I'm a girl mama! He thinks I'm a girl! But I'm not a girl, I'm a boy, right, anya?

Anya was speechless. What on earth could you say? Should you reassure your obviously female child that he is masculine? Or should you explain to him that he really is a "She"? The choice was difficult. She held me tightly, but her voice wavered a bit.

"Of.. O-of course you are! That's right! You're my beautiful little boy!"

She chose the first choice. The easier out of the two.

"I knew I was a boy!" I exclaimed, drying my tears with her blouse. "I knew that stupid white haired kid was wrong!"

"Now now, sweetie.." Anya shakily said, trying to wean off topic. "Gilbert's a nice boy. And asking you if you had a.. Penis.. Or n-not.. You shouldn't have hit him with that gardening hoe."

"But anya!"

"Don't you 'but anya!' me!" Her Hungarian accent had came out then, and she sounded stern. It made me shiver a little. Anya could always be so scary. She began adjusting my tie, a little smile on her face, and sighed dreamily. "Now, you are going to smile, and be polite, and make a new friend today. Understand? I want to see you and Gilbert playing together _everyday_."

I groaned in disappointment, but nodded my head. "Yes, anya."

* * *

When Gilbert and his moms came over, my dad was instantly confused. He didn't really get the whole 'lesbians can have families and be monogamous too' thing. Nonetheless, he greeted them politely and calmly. My father (Apa, I call him) was not a disrespectful man. He may have had ignorant beliefs, but that didn't stop him from being courteous and friendly. Well, to other people at least.

He was especially taken by Gilbert's Mama, or the Lady With The Orange Hair. He would lean over to me and whisper things like "She sure is pretty, huh bud?" and I would nod but I didn't understand why he was smiling like that. That's the way he usually smiled at anya really late at night when I would tiptoe into their bed if I couldn't sleep. He ushered them both inside and shut the door behind them, his eyes not leaving the Lady With The Orange Hair.

"What a cute little home you have!" She exclaimed. She had an Italian accent, it made me smile and giggle a little. That is, until she looked down at me. I hid behind anya's leg then. "And who do we have here?" She cooed.

Anya chuckled, and pushed me forward a little. I covered my face with her skirt, shy. "This is Elizaveta, but we just call him Veta." She introduced. Her voice grew stern again, and that made me shrink away from her a bit. "Veta? Do you have anything to say to Ms.. I'm sorry, what are your names? I could have sworn I caught them over the phone, but they must have slipped my mind already!"

The Lady With the Orange Hair laughed. She held out a hand, "Feliciana Vargas. This is my partner, Monica Beilschmidt."

Taking her hand, anya grew intrigued by the lesbians."Oh! So Gilbert has your last name?"

"Well, er.." The Lady With the Blonde Hair spoke up, a bit flustered. Her voice was deep, and she looked nervous. "He's actually my brother's.." She swallowed. "It… Um…"

"It just.. Wasn't a very good situation for Gilbert to be in." Feliciana quickly chimed in. "So we gladly took him in and adopted him~" Feliciana grinned up at her partner, and reached over, holding her hand tightly. Monica instantly looked relieved.

"O-oh.." Anya softly chimed. "Well- We- We're very excited to have you here!" She smiled, and pulled apa over by the arm. "This is my husband, _."

Apa smiled, and held his hand out to Feliciana first.. "Nice to meet you, Ms. Vargas."

"Oh, please! Call me Feliciana~"

"Okay. Feliciana.."

That's when Monica stepped in. She coughed into her fist, then held her other hand out to apa. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Héderváry." Her voice was stern, almost threatening, but she wore a smile.

That was also when I noticed Gilbert. He wasn't listening to the conversation at all, for he had been holding what looked like a pack of ice over his eye and was staring up at the pictures in the hall with his good eye. I walked away from the grownups then, and instead made my way over to him. He was wearing a suit too, just like the one I wore, and looked kind of sad. Though I instantly labeled him as my enemy then, I really wanted to know what was wrong with him.

"Hey." I said, nudging him with my shoulder a little.

"Hi." he said, not looking away from the picture. I looked up at it too.

It was a picture of some great Hungarian general who died in some stupid war. I hadn't knew who he was then, but he was very important to our family. He destroyed a large Prussian fleet in a big war that nobody seems to remember now. But apparently the general was related to us, so he was pretty cool. I fed this bit of information to Gilbert.

"That's my great-great-great great grandfather," I told him, smiling a bit. "He slaughtered a whole fleet of Prussian Teutonic Knights."

Gilbert blinked a bit, "Teutonic Knights..? Prussian?" He asked. He turned his eyes towards me and glared. "That means he's the one who slaughtered my, _awesome,_ great-great-great-great grandfather's fleet.."

"So we're enemies then." I stated, point blankly.

"Ja." He said with a nod.

"Is that German?"

"Ja. It means yes."

It was quiet for a while. "Wanna go play outside in your backyard?" He brought up.

"Sure."

And so the frenemy relationship between Gilbert and I was born.

* * *

 _ **A/N**_

 **Yaaaaay~! Chapter two is heereeeee!**

 **So this took a lot longer than it should've, but it's a longer chapter, so I hope that everyone enjoys it~ I am most glad that a lot of people have liked this story so far! I honestly didn't think this would be popular- Like, at all, so I am very very very stoked that you all like it!**

 **I hope you all liked this chapter as well, next one is coming out soon! I already have ideas~**


	3. First Day

The next day was the first day of school that year. My anya dragged me out of bed, threw me into a nice shirt and some overalls, brushed my teeth, combed my hair, strapped a bag to my back, popped a piece of toast in my mouth, and shooed me to the front of our lawn to wait for the bus. I waited there, gently nibbling on my toast. Now I've been to preschool before, so I knew my ropes around the bus waiting. Anya would drag me out of the house and wait with me when I was in preschool, but after a while it just seemed embarrassing to me. So at this point around she just stands by the door and watches.

I saw something approaching me on my left and I glanced in that direction, not really minding it so much. That is, until I heard a voice.

"LIZ! KESESESE~!"

"Oh no-"

 _WHAM!_ He slammed right into me, knocking me into the sidewalk. A sudden rush of pain filled my head, and my eyes swelled up with tears. Gilbert was laughing, he held out a hand.

" _That_ 's for this," he pointed to his eye with his free hand. I looked at his eye. It was either completely black or completely purple, and looked like it was pussing a bit. Either way, it was sewn shut and stuck tight.

I glared at him, but allowed him to help me up anyway. I dusted my overalls off and wiped my eyes. "That wasn't funny!"

"Neither was you hitting me with a shovel!"

"It was a _hoe_!"

"Whatever!"

I sighed and nibbled on my toast some and remained quiet, nodding whenever Gilbert said something or mumbling some sort of sound of acknowledgement. I heard my anya giggling in the background about how cute we were and blushed softly, but hadn't said anything. Gilbert's moms were walking towards me, hand in hand. I smiled at Lady With the Orange Hair, but shyed away from Lady With the Blonde hair. They both smiled at me.

Feliciana knelt down to look both of us in the eye. She kissed Gilbert on his forehead. "Have a great day at school, both of you~" she said.

I nodded and smiled gently at her, blushing a bit. I'm not even going to lie in this story, Gilbert's mom is really pretty. She just kind of has this thing about her that makes her so attractive, and I absolutely adored her when I was little. She still talks about how cute I was back then, having a crush on her. Anyway, I'm getting too ahead of myself here.

The bright yellow gleams of the school bus suddenly came into view, and Gilbert's moms engulfed him in a big hug. I watched them for a while, kissing his head and giving him words of encouragement before the bus pulled in. They immediately let him go, watching as he followed behind me onto the bus. I walked to around the middle and sat down, Gilbert sat next to me. He kind of climbed over me and waved to his moms as the bus pulled off, then sat down, his legs sprawled out in my lap.

"Your anyas love you lots.." I mumbled, kicking his feet off of my lap.

The albino tilted his head in confusion. "Mein 'anya's?"

"You don't know what an anya is?" I asked, very confused. "She- She makes you sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and she gives you lots of hugs, and kisses your knees when there's scraps on them.."

"You mean a müdder?"

"What's a müdder? Is that German too?"

Gilbert nodded very slowly, "Ja… What is anya?"

"Hungarian..?"

We still have conversations like that to this day.

* * *

At school Gilbert was really popular. It was because he was new. He _bathed_ in the attention though, loving each minute of it. The girls would compliment him on his hair and asked him if he were a vampire because he was so pale and his eyes were red. He would laugh and tell them not to be silly, that vampires are only in storybooks but he would always pretend that he was a vampire.

That was when our teacher had walked in and all grew silent. Ms. Forest was the kindest teacher I had my entire life. She walked with a sort of bounce in her step, and although she grew irritated at us she would always remain calm and collective. She was firm, yes, but very very sweet and kind. I still talk to her to this day. Her and my anya talk all the time, it's great.

"Good morning Ms. Forest!" I chimed, a wide smile on my face. I was, in a way, always the teacher's pet. I would ask my anya to help me bake muffins for her and bring them in every once in the while. Just for kicks. But this moment in my six year old life killed me, for she didn't even look my way. She looked straight at Gilbert.

"Oh? We have a new student?" She asked, a bright smile on her face. I felt my cheeks grow hot with anger. She knelt down in front of him and put her hands in her lap, grinning excitedly. "What's your name, sir?"

Gilbert's pale face flushed bright red. He was insanely nervous, being put directly into the center of attention and everyone quiet. Even the tips of his ears grew red. I made a mental note to tease him about it later. "Uh- Um.. Mein.. Mein Name ist.. Ist Gilbert, Frau.."

I cocked my head, then walked over to Ms. Forest. I gently tugged at her skirt. "Ms. Forest.. Gilbert speaks German." I told her.

"Oh?" She turned to me, one of her eyebrows were raised. "Is that the only language he speaks, Elizaveta?"

A chorus of giggles ran throughout the room. I felt my face heat with anger and embarrassment again. Everyone always teased me about my name. "M-Ms. Forest…"

"Oh! My goodness! I'm so sorry! Veta- My mistake." She smiled softly again.

"N-no, he speaks English too. I don't know why he's speaking German now.."

"Do you think that.. Gilbert, right?" Gilbert nodded. "Do you think that Gilbert will talk to us if he talks to you for a bit first?"

"I dunno.."

"Well he's your friend, isn't he? I saw you two come in together.."

Quickly, the both of us looked at each, then back at her. "He is _not_ my friend!" We both exclaimed, both looking disgusted. Why on earth would she even lump us into the same category as each other? _Friends_?

"She threw a shovel at me!" He exclaimed, giving me a push as he pointed a finger at me.

I landed on my butt, rather abruptly. Everyone began to laugh, and I felt my face heat up in anger once more. God I hated everyone in there as a child. I grit my teeth and growled, slowly picking myself up. "It. Was. A. _Hoe_!"

In a swift movement I threw myself at him, pinned him to the floor, and raised my fist to give him a fatal blow to the nose which he gingerly took. Gilbert screamed in pain and in a single shot pushed my stomach in a bit, causing me to fall off of him. He sat on my torso and grabbed a clump of my hair, pulling my head up as he did so. He raised a fist and I closed my eyes and tilted my face away from it a bit, preparing for it as I raised my own fist, but my elbow was caught.

I felt Gilbert's weight lifted from my stomach, and soon enough I was floating in mid-air, a single arm wrapped around my middle. I kicked and screamed at my capturer to let me go, but when I caught a glimpse of who they were, I froze, my foot in mid-kicking motion

"Elizaveta Héderváry."

It was Principal Braginski, Ivan's dad and the principal of the school.

* * *

We were both sent to the office. Our punishment was to sit in a room and talk to each other until we worked everything out. Of course, this didn't go as planned.

"Snot brain!" I yelled from across the room, making sure to put as much venom into my words as I could possibly manage at six.

"Bubblehead!" He retorted from the other side, practically throwing daggers at my chest.

"I hate you!"

"I hate you more!"

"Lab rat!"

" _Arschloch!_ "

He didn't have to tell me what that one meant. I already knew. I got up from the chair I had been sitting on and slammed my hands on the table, my teeth grinding.

He was smirking now, taunting me. "Sissy girl~ You gonna cry?"

" _I am not a girl!_ " I screamed, tears swelled in my eyes but I refused to let them fall. I would win this.. Yes, I knew it in my heart that I would win this. I glared at him harder.

"I bet you couldn't even pick that chair up~"

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah! I bet you your snack tomorrow that you can't pick that chair up!" He pointed to a big wooden chair that sent in the corner.

I turned my head to look at it. Of course, my confidence wavered a bit when I caught sight of it. It was bigger than me, therefore heavier and would be harder to even grab. But still, I pushed forward. "And I bet you your _lunch_ tomorrow that I can!"

"Oh, ja?"

"Ja!" I was mocking him now, and I could tell he hated it for he glared at me. I grinned.

He held up his hand, spat on it, and held it out at me, gesturing for me to do the same. I took my own hand, spat on it as well, and grabbed his hand. "Deal!" We both agreed, smirking defiant smirks at each other as we began to shake.

Quickly, I got to work. I walked back over to my chair, wrapped my tiny hands around it, attempting to get a good grip, and pulled. At first, it wouldn't budge. Gilbert snickered.

"Kesesese~ I knew you were a sissy!"

I grit my teeth and pulled harder, my little arms straining as I did so. The chair began to give and I held it a good inch off the ground. I was sweating from the strenuous labor I had bestowed upon myself. Gilbert's confidence wavered as well, he began stuttering.

"Wh-wha- _Higher_! Lift it _higher_!" He shouted.

I grit my teeth harder, using all of my force to try and lift it higher. My limbs began to tremble, it was so heavy. I felt as if I were going to pass out. But then, the chair began to give again. I had lifted it so that the bottom had been just a little higher then my belly button. Gilbert stared at me, wide-eyed. He couldn't believe I could actually do it, and for a moment, neither had I. Immediately afterwards, I dropped it in front of me and began heaving. I ran over to the chair next to Gilbert and plopped down in it.

"You… You did it…?" Gilbert asked, rather than stated. I nodded in response, my breathing still heavy. "That… That was _awesome_!" He wrapped his arms around me, laughing as he did so. "You lifted it! Holy scheisse! You lifted it!"

"You…" Breath. "Owe…" Breath. "Me…" Breath. "Your lunch…~"

The boy's jaw dropped, while my lips curled into a grin. The door had opened and we were free to leave.

* * *

 **A/N**

 **So even child Liz is a badass, am I right~?**

 **Yaaaaaaaaay~ Chapter three~! I'm gonna try to make these a little more frequent, seeing as how this has been my favorite story to write up so far~**

 _ **Guest: Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoy this thus far! c:**_


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